As most of you have heard, we've been in the hospital for a little while with our baby boy. We are so thankful for all the love and concern and prayers that you have sent our way. I'm so happy that our happy and chill little man is back. 

I'm starting to realize that the "mother's intuition" is a real thing. I knew something was wrong on Sunday morning when he didn't want to swing while we ate our breakfast. That has become a part of our routine after he eats his breakfast and has his morning diaper change so it took me by surprise when I couldn't finish eating with Peter. The rest of the day was full of a fussy baby which is very uncommon. I wasn't sure if maybe his true personality was coming through or if something was wrong. I'm happy to say that our Solomon is back with us now and he is content again.

We still are unsure about what exactly happened. We decided to go to the hospital at midnight, early Monday Morning, because his fever reached 102. I was slightly freaking out and trying to stay calm but I knew something was wrong. When we got to the hospital they told us that they needed to do several tests because of his young age and the fact that his immune system was not strong yet. The next couple of hours was full of baby cries and some momma cries also. It was rough, but we got through it together as a family of three. 

This has been our first family crisis but I'm very thankful that it was short lived. Our best guess is a viral infection made him sick. All the tests (including the viral test) are coming back negative but there's no way to test every strain around. His fever is finally subsiding without the Tylenol and we are hopeful that it stays low during the night ahead.

During this hard couple of days I've learned a few things.... Solomon loves his daddy's voice and instantly feels settled when he is talking to him. The nurses and doctors here at the hospital are wonderful and yes, I think it is very ironic that we ended up in the hospital after all, even after the wonderful birthing center experience. This baby loves to be naked and really enjoys being wrapped up in a cozy blanket and nothing else. The amount of support that we have received from family, friends and even some strangers is the most comforting feeling I've ever felt. We are thankful for these things. God is good and we are so blessed with this little life he has given us.

we do not lose heart.

Most of the weekend and yesterday bloggers were writing about the horrible event in Connecticut. Every time I sit down and start typing about that awful morning I can’t even think of the words to type. My mind goes blank. My heart aches and I lose focus all together.

I have no idea how that town feels right now. I can’t even imagine how the parents, families and teachers are hurting. I don’t have a mother’s heart yet so that part of my identity hasn’t been awaken. So many of the blogs I have read about the shooting are mothers and they all express the pain they would feel if they lost their baby. I know I won’t truly understand that fear until I create that bond with my child when ever God gives me that gift but right now I can’t fathom the heartache those mothers are feeling.

The only thing I can do is pray. pray for the families that lost someone. pray for the students that lost a teacher. pray for the parents that will sit by their tree on Christmas morning with the unwrapped gifts. pray for the family and friends that knew Adam Lanza. pray for the world and the anger that fills it. pray that God will make himself known and by His peace & grace we will survive because it is only through Him that we live at all.

2 Cor. 4:16-18 " Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Dust and Ash

With this extra cold chill breezing through Greenville it’s obvious that November has seemed to make itself at home. Can’t say that I mind… coats, boots, scarves and crunching leaves are always fine by me!! I’m trying to take moments to breathe and recollect myself before the crazy holiday season begins. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it which always means Christmas is right around the corner. This time of year is always the calm before the storm for me which is ironic with the crazy storm attacking the North recently.

We haven’t heard any bad news about Peter’s family members that live in New Jersey and New York. Just some power outages but nothing too significant which we can only thank the Lord for.

I continue to pray for the families that haven’t been so lucky and hope they know that God really is in control and He is always there to lean on. I think that’s one of the hardest parts about tragedy… finding God at the center of it. People can feel hurt and abandoned so easily but reaching out and finding our Savior with them too is something I’ve thankfully never had to do.

I can’t help but think of Job and all that he lived through…

In Job 42, he replied to the Lord:

“I know that you can do anything and no one can stop you.

You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I – and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.

You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’

I had only heard about you before but now I have seen you with my own eyes.

I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

V 1-6 NLT

I would hope that I would stay faithful to the Lord in any hard time but I’m only human.

I’m just a sinner that makes mistakes and falls but He is always willing to pick me up out of the dust and ash once I have come to Him in repentance. His love is always faithful and true even when I am not.

My heart goes out to the families that are going through this hard time of loss and destruction and I continue to pray that they know of His love.

Faith&Endurance

This is probably the hardest post I've ever written.  I've been putting it off for a few days now and it finally feels like the right time.  I'm no longer in a relationship with Peter.  This is something that I have been praying about for a couple of months now and I felt like I officially got my confirmation to take that final step.  

The past 3 years have been so wonderful and I have learned so much about myself, the world and relationships in general. Right now I am sad.  I'm hurt, bruised... confused; but the ONE thing that has stayed constant is God's hand in everything.  I know my relationship with God is stronger than ever and that's why I had the strength to do what I had to do.  Don't get me wrong, it sucks... I'm just going to be honest!  BUT I truly feel like this is the right thing to do for me and my heart. 

I know it will be hard for a while.  Moving forward from something that had become a constant in your life is never easy. I am so thankful for the people I have around me... I'm extremely lucky!  You all have been amazing and I love you for that.  I might be a little slack with the blogging and some things might change around on here... we'll see what happens.  I am looking forward to the future, I know that whatever God has in store for me will be everything that I need.  

For right now I am going to spend time in God's Word and writing in my journal.  This helped me make it through the night on Wednesday.... 

The Book of James is simply wonderful....

Thanks.

I don’t like this whole, getting old and dying thing that seems to be happening recently. My Mom’s dad died at the end of January and now my Dad’s dad is very sick in the hospital. Until this year the only person that has passed away in my family was my uncle (Dad’s, sister’s husband) and he was dying of diabetes for a VERY long time so we were as ready for it as you could be. My Papa on my Mom’s side of the family was expected as well since he had cancer but it was still a bit of a shock that he went so quickly… we were expecting a few more weeks with him at the most, not a few days after placing him in Hospice.

My Papa on my Dad’s side has been in the hospital since September 16th when he fell in the bathroom and hit his head. After that everything went down hill, he was by no means “in good health” before he fell. He’s been suffering from small strokes and diabetes for some time now. He’s had to use dialysis for over a year now so he’s clearly not in good shape. After he was put in the hospital on the 16th he flat lined and was placed in ICU on the 19th then hooked up to a breathing machine since he couldn’t breath on his own. Since then there’s been a few ups and downs but he hasn’t really been “there”… he’s mostly out of it and even when he opens his eyes they are all grey and doesn’t seem like he can see anything. He does respond to you when you are there but just by shaking his head and trying to open his eyes. On Monday (27th) my family decided to take him off the breathing machine since you are only allowed to be on the machine for 3 days and he was clearly on the machine much longer. He’s been breathing on his own since then which is amazing but like I said before, he’s not really “there” and to be honest with you, my Papa hasn’t been himself for years now.

You may ask why I am blabbing about this on my blog but I was hoping that by everyone reading this and understanding everything that’s going on right now in my family’s life you could understand what to pray about. I know that everything is in God’s hands and so does my family but it’s still hard and frankly it still sucks. We found out today that the next decision to make is about the dialysis. We were told the only thing keeping him alive right now is the 13 hours of dialysis that he takes every night in the hospital… he can’t even except the IV of “food” anymore since his body is rejecting it. We all agreed that the best thing to do is end the dialysis and move him to the Hospice House so he can be comfortable and someone can be with him 24/7. We were also told that after he is moved there and the dialysis is ended he would live 14 days at the most. He moved their this afternoon around 5 and everything started getting much worse. (Side Note: The room my grandpa was put in is the SAME room that my other grandfather was in earlier this year... there's 31 rooms in this place and they put him in the SAME EXACT ROOM.  I'm still baffled by that!) I went to the Hospice House after dinner tonight and was told that he had a matter of hours.  He goes through periods where he stops breathing for almost a minute and then he will finally take a breath, it's incredibly sad!  I left at 10 tonight because I have to wake up early for work tomorrow morning... 

So with that… I ask for prayers for my grandpa and my family. I really appreciate it and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to help me through this. The messages I have been receiving on Facebook really have helped more than you know!

Thanks again, Cas