the first of many letters.

Everything below was written and saved for the right time to share. I'm so thankful that time has come. Twenty days after writing this I found out I was pregnant. I never imagined that my many prayers would be answered that quickly. It always amazes me how God guides our hearts and gives it exactly what it needs. Sometimes those things are hard, sometimes they are sweet, and sometimes they are confusing. But, I'm so happy for this sweet little miracle that we have in our life now. I'm thankful for a God who hears our prayers and answers in His time.

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I don't write things down with pen and paper like I used to do back in the day, (I'm talking journals FULL of notes and writing from 8 years old to after highschool!) and I've started to realize that the writing stopped once I started writing here. I like to think that I'm an open book. I keep things real, and I love sharing pieces of myself on my blog. I can't wait to look back and read what I wrote, the same way I skim through all the many journals from long ago. Little pieces of me and this life.

So, here I am writing a letter to my future baby. My first born. The angel that will make me a momma. I have been thinking a lot about that little person and I want to keep all of those memories here, a space to release some thoughts and wishes for their little life. I don't know when that life will start & I know that is not in my hands at all. God will send us a sweet baby when we are ready for it, I know that is the truth. But for now, I will write, because that is what my heart is telling me to do.

{Beautiful piece of art that my cousin found for the nursery!}

December 10th, 2014

Sweet one,

I tend to call you that when I am thinking about you or praying for you. Sweet one, that is what you will be for our family. You will make us complete in ways that we didn't realize were not quite full yet, in the easiest, sweetest way.

I think about you a lot lately. I wonder if that is God's gentle way of making me ready for you, or if he is preparing my heart for more waiting. I'm not sure which it is, but I do know that He is working on something. I feel a pressure in my chest when I think of Him sending you to us. A kind of pressure that makes me long for you in a deeper way than I ever have before. I know that I've always wanted to be your Mom but I was always okay with the waiting. I still am, but this kind of waiting is different. It is a waiting for something that I know is coming, something that I feel is already mine in some special way.

In my mind, I am constantly planning for you. Trying to decide when the best time would be. Trying to make sure that all the questions have answers. Trying my best to follow beside your dad so we can support each other in this big decision. I tend to over think things often and I know this is something that I will probably apologize for many times, but I can't help but over think everything when it comes to you. You are a big deal. You will be the biggest thing our little family has ever done.

I hear mothers say things like, "you don't understand love until you see your baby for the first time", and I know that is true. I just can't imagine how much stronger this love will become when you are here with us. Here is where you belong and I know that God will send you to us when the time is right. He has already written your story and I'm so thankful to be a part of that beautiful story.

For now I will spend my time thinking and praying for you. For a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. A healthy family of three.

I love you so much it hurts & I can't wait to meet you.
love, momma.